You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
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