I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
