He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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