4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
