Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
zippers are such a cool invention
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
