This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
