I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
