we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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