im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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