dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
True college students do jello shots in the library
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
