I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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