We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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