Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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