genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
