i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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