Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
