I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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