Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
