Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
