my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
