His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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