Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
