Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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