So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
