I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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