You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
