why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
