last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
