I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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