Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
