I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
