he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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