I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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