I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
