did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
