When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
