so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
