I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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