I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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