i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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