My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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