Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
