can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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