I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
