I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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