Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
