just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
