You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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