A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
