its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
